Ay up, duck.
I still don’t really understand what that means, other than it’s some kind of greeting and being a duck is okay in this instance. My housemate says it to me on a regular basis, and I like to do my own impression (note to self: never visit Leeds and/or surrounding areas and do said impression) of him. In return he likes to say, “Volvo sponsors Sky Atlantic” to me. I like to think my impersonation is quite good – his on the other hand is utter shit. This got me thinking though, some times shit things are okay in their own right, aren’t they? So, instead of angrily shaking my fist at myself like a disgruntled pensioner at some pesky hooligans when I can’t get my shit together, I really just need to let it go.
Today was one of those days where nothing is okay. Like the complete opposite of Bruce Willis walking coolly away from an explosive background – I’m running screaming into it with arms flailing and an ugly crying face that rivals Kim K’s. I’m currently typing this in a fort that I have created for myself in our living room, covered in crumbs, which I’m only leaving to forage for food, bathroom breaks and to harass our cat to love me. Today I can’t adult. And so what?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m definitely guilty of being really hard on myself when I’m struggling. I battle with myself, and realistically, it’s a losing battle. Both my mind and body are trying to tell my to slow down, be kind to myself but I’m just so furiously stubborn. You know that scene in 300, where Gerard Butler kicks that guy down a hole screaming “This is Spartaaaaa!”? – essentially me trying to kick my issues away. But less manly, and more shrill and pathetic.
From my experience so far, I always seem to feel the need to keep up the pretence that I’m always okay and I’m doing great. It doesn’t work like that, not for me anyway. I suppose I feel the need to justify myself, when really, why should I? Exhausting myself and pushing myself further than I’m able only make things worse, and I’m realising that it actually takes more strength to turn around and say that actually, I’m not okay today and I need help/this is what I need. Admittedly, I’m not so great at doing that but this is all a bit learning curve.
Today wasn’t just challenging due to mental health, but physical health too. I had to do something today which I have been dreading and it’s taken it’s toll a bit. There is some selfish relief in knowing that it’s done, but there’s much more to it than that – I’ll just have to figure it out as I go. I am glad I wasn’t on my own for today, I realised what was ahead of me and I reached out for help (victory dance and brownie points to me) – that’s a positive step.
But for now, I’m going to continue to sob-laugh at Community inside my fortress and binge eat Jaffa Cakes. It’s all in the name of Self-Care, after all.