Today has been quite a strange day overall. I didn’t have much to do, and having had a few busy days previously and with the knowledge that tomorrow (and the rest of the week, I assume) is going to be a long and draining day, I thought it would be okay not really to do that much either. But here’s the thing: turns out I’m not so great at knowing how to “relax” lately, and it makes me super anxious. I constantly feel like I need to be doing something, and like I need to keep my mind busy so it doesn’t start wandering into areas that I don’t want it to. I know that’s maybe not that healthy, as it is essentially avoidance behaviour, but I don’t really know what else to do.
So – my day. I got up pretty early, and I cycled to the gym and worked out for an hour. I cycled home, made breakfast for myself and wrote my shopping list. I hate food shopping on a Sunday because it is literally all the dicks of the day, but it was the only option. I went with my two housemates to the supermarket – queue the usual bickering about who was buying what, and dick quote of the day from Dave: “Eurgh – own brand digestives? I think not”. Someone came and bought my bed that I’d put up for sale online, but I didn’t really think my sleeping arrangements through between now and when I go home. My options are either sleep on the sofa (super uncomfy, I fall off a lot and it’s cold) or sleep in with my housemate Dave (OCD and PTSD challenge to the max) because I’m quite sure I would catch a VD from even touching my other housemate’s bed. I’m not too sure what I’ll do with that. But that has pretty much been it, other than making Sunday dinner for us all. And I’ve felt so restless inbetween these tasks and haven’t known what to do with myself. I’ve tried to read, watch something, listen to something, but nothing has been enough.
I’ve done a lot of thinking today too, about things that feel unsettled in my heart and about the news of my real father dying. I just don’t know how to feel about a lot of things right now, and what I want more than anything is for some sense of security but I don’t know how to get that. I think, and maybe as crazy as it sounds, having an abortion has made me realise that I want something real and settled. I don’t mean I want to settle down or have kids, but it’s just put a lot of things in perspective. I’ve never really had anything like that before, but unfortunately I think with the way I am it might not be possible. Let’s face it – I’m not exactly girlfriend material with all of these things going on, and finding someone that would be willing to accept all these complexities would be like finding a needle in a haystack. I guess that’s something I’ll just need to accept; such is life.
I’m starting to feel so nervous about tomorrow and the possibility of a trial and all the uncertainties around that. I’ve written a letter to him, in the hope that I will be allowed to read it in court. It’s long, detailed and graphic about everything he did and everything that’s happened as a result. I don’t expect that I’ll sleep much tonight either, and I’m already dreading the possibility of a panic attack later on.