Today was my first day in court as part of my trial. A plea of both guilty and not guilty have been made to the two charges. I told myself to expect the worst so it didn’t come as a shock to my system, but somehow it still has. I just can’t get my head around how someone can quite literally commit a crime (or two in this case), no ifs or buts, and plead not guilty. What does that say about me, that I’m just playing “the rape card”? Because that’s how it’s being made out to look like.
There isn’t very much I can really say, other than the whole process feels humiliating. I’m taking the choice to be in the courtroom without any special measures taken, and I stand by that choice. Yet having these strangers on the Jury and all the other people in the room hear and see every intimate detail about me and what happened makes me feel so full of shame. It shouldn’t, but until you’re sitting in a witness box being cross examined and made to sound like the one at fault, don’t tell me how or what to feel. I got told off several times and told to “answer the question being asked”, but why am I just meant to sit there and take something being said out of context and being twisted to suit their argument when I know it’s not true? The argument being made by the defence in a nutshell is that while he pleads guilty to assault occasioning ABH (due to physical and psychological injuries: facial fracture, hyoid fracture and PTSD), it was consensual sex so he is pleading not guilty to rape. I’m sorry, but what the fuck? They’re also twisting evidence given to suit that. I was told by the Police and by my housemate who is a Solicitor that “consent” or lack of, is the hardest thing to prove in a rape case. When the trial began this morning his lawyer announced that his client would be exercising his right to silence, and would not be standing in the witness box to give evidence. Both my housemate and my lawyer have said that this choice could go in his favour; UK law states that every man is innocent until proven guilty, so by choosing not to give his side could suggest to the Jury that there is nothing for him to say. It’s fucking disastrous that this has become about tactics and not about actual justice for a crime that I KNOW was committed.
I feel angry, too. Angry at everything that’s happened and the knock on effect it’s had in other areas of my life. I’m angry that he’s pled not guilty as if there’s some reasonable doubt that he didn’t do it. I’m angry that I know it happened, so do the people that are closest to me, but it’s officially now left up in the air as to whether he did legally or not. How is that fair? How can he possibly think that he has a chance of getting away with this when there’s physical evidence to prove otherwise?
I don’t know what to say, or do. I’ve been pacing angrily since I got home whilst simultaneously panicking. I feel sick and I have no appetite, and I imagine that I will continue to do so until all of this is done. I’ve written a very frank open letter to him, which I’m hoping I’ll be allowed to read in Court. It states exactly what happened, what he did, how he did it, and everything that happened following it and how it has made me feel. Now, I’m entirely sure that from a psychological perspective he has some traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ve looked at it over and over again and it’s just him down to a T. Either that or he’s just a total sociopath, but I highly doubt it will make him feel any remorse. He’s not sorry, I know that. But I think he isn’t sorry because he obviously genuinely either believes that what he did wasn’t wrong, or that he just doesn’t care. I’m not reading it with the expectation of seeing him come to realise the gravity of the crime he’s committed – I’m reading because this will be the first time I’ve spoken to him since January, and for my own sanity I need him to at least hear how I feel even if it just goes in one ear and out the other. I need to know within myself that I’ve had my say, and considering how I’ve been spoken to by his Defence lawyer so far during a cross examination it might be my only chance.
My two housemates and best friend have, and will also be called to give evidence as they are witnesses. I feel terrible for them as it’s not an easy thing to do, and I’m really hoping for their sake as well as mine that this can all be laid to rest once the trial is over – providing that the verdict reflects the crime. I don’t really know how I’ll feel if for some batshit reason he’s found not guilty. I know that’s the worst case scenario but it all comes back to expectations, and the resulting disappointment if something doesn’t go the way you had planned. The trial started at 10am this morning and ended at 4.30pm with an hour break for the Jury this afternoon, which I spent hiding in a toilet feeling totally out of my depth and deciding whether I was going to be sick or not – I wasn’t. It starts again tomorrow at the same time, and my lawyer said to expect for the actual trial to continue til at least Thursday, and then it goes to the Jury to deliberate.
It was the first time I had been in the same room as him since he raped me. That didn’t really hit me until I was there and I saw him come in. The only thing he said today was his formal pleas, and his voice genuinely sent shivers down my spine. I could feel him looking at me a lot, and we locked eye contact on several occasions. Feeling his family and friends stare at me was beyond the definition of intimidating. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them today, but I’m sure as shit going to do it before this is over. His face was just blank, no emotion whatsoever. That’s when I realised: He’s so fucking smart, in the worst way. He’s playing the system to his advantage so that he gets to sit pretty and let us be the ones in the firing line. I hate him.
Our house move is also due to take place in two weeks, but I’m hoping that I’ll be back home by then. The saving grace about SAS flights (despite that fucking irritating stop in Copenhagen, I DON’T WANT TO BE IN DENMARK ARRRGH), is that they’re cheap AF and they run continously so the moment this trial is finished, I’m out of here. I don’t own very much anymore, other than the items I hold most sentiment over or my music collection. I got rid of most things after January, I just didn’t feel like they were mine anymore. I’ve even gotten rid of my bed so I can get a new one and just start completely fresh in a new environment. Needs must, but I’m actually enjoying leading quite a minimalist lifestyle. It makes me appreciate the things that I do have and get so much more.