I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy to be home. Being surrounded by the people I love more than anything right now is just what I need. My Dad picked me up from the airport on Saturday and brought my niece, Svea with him. She ran towards me as soon as she saw me, and I gave her the biggest cuddle I ever could have – I’ve missed her so much.
Understandably my parents and I have had a lot to talk about with everything that’s happened since I was last home. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and I feel better for being able to talk it out with them face to face. I’ve explained that at the moment my PTSD isn’t particularly under control, and if I do have a flashback then they just need to leave me to it as I can become volatile and aggressive. The same goes for why I can’t let Svea sleep in my bed with me at the moment; If I have a nightmare again I can become violent if someone tries to rouse me from it. I don’t mean to, and I have little control over it bit it doesn’t excuse it.
I visited Parker’s grave for the first time yesterday since his funeral. I didn’t really know what to expect from it. I spoke to him, cried a lot but I think I feel better for doing it. It’s really hitting home that he isn’t here anymore. His absence is just like this great big void of nothing. I miss him beyond belief.
In a few weeks I’m going over to America and I’m quite looking forward to it. First I’m staying with my Aunt for a week then I’m heading to San Francisco to stay with one of my best friends from University. She text me after Friday’s verdict saying that I could do with blowing off some steam and so she’s booked us flights to Vegas for a few nights. I’ve only been to Vegas once and I only really remember the hangover I had from it. It could be exactly what I need or a disaster waiting to happen.
I don’t really know what to say or how to feel at the moment. I don’t know how I’m expected to pick up the pieces and move on with my life when all he had, really, is a slap on the wrist. My physical injuries might have healed but I’m left reliving it almost every day. How can that be fair? I want to move on – I want to trust again and to have faith in people without questioning everything they do and overthinking the smallest thing to death. I want to be confident and happy again. I just want to be me again.