I’m celebrating a couple of victories for myself at the moment in that firstly, last night not only did I have a full (by full I mean six hours, but still) night’s sleep but I also didn’t have any nightmares! I’m so, so happy about this. Considering since January, I’ve genuinely slept around three or four hours a night and have been plagued with recurrent nightmares this is incredible for me. I woke up with my niece coming through to my bed for cuddles at crazy o’clock as she normally does, and I really felt so confused initially by the amount of sleep I’d had, and I even managed to doze off again for abother hour. It might not sound like a lot, but I’ve been grinning all day. The affect of having something close to a normal “recommended” amount of sleep has totally changed my mood and mindset today and it even spurred me on to do something totally insane, by my current standards: I got a massage.
That’s right. Full body, no clothes, somebody touching me for an hour and a half. On an average day that would probably be enough to make me want to pass out and throw up but I DID IT. Granted, the masseuse was female and it’s not like she was getting all up in my bits but that’s the most I’ve allowed/been able to handle someone touching me since January and it was a total stranger. Oh hey, don’t mind me but I’m just wonder woman right now. Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t plain sailing. I found it very hard to relax and she did unfortunately say that I’m the most tense person she thinks she’s ever massaged… buuuut, I still did it! I feel on top of the world (queue that annoyingly catchy Imagine Dragons song).
I know that when I head to LA for my therapy a large part of PET is making me confront things that I avoid, and truthfully most of that is around contact and emotional connections. I avoid being touched for obvious reasons and I find myself trying to push people away for fear that they’ll hurt me in some way – again, also obvious. To be honest, I’m not too sure how I’m going to be able to confront either of those things because I don’t have anyone that can a) y’know touch me and b) I also don’t really have anyone that I can “let in” so to speak, other than my friends and family and let’s face it they’re already pretty in. But maybe, hopefully with the skills and coping techniques that this should give me I might be able to find someone at some point that I can apply this too – providing I don’t scare them off with all my crazy.
I also haven’t smoked for just under four weeks, which I think might be the longest consecutive length of time that I’ve given up. It feels so good not to feel like there’s an obese man sitting on my chest most of the time, and also not to sound like a big butch dude when I cough. I’m not saying I won’t relapse – I will, but at least this is another small step in the right direction. It’s proving that although I’ve used it as a coping mechanism of late, I can get by without it and gradually I’ll need it less and less. The problem isn’t necessarily my withdrawal from nicotine, a lot of the time it’s not knowing what to do with my hands so I’ve bought myself a little fidget cube. It’s actually a fidget toy designed for anxiety and autism, but it’s a really great little distraction – and another great Amazon purchase by me if I do say so myself. It’s small, and it has things on each side in order to stimulate your sensory needs when you’re in need of a good fidget. Obviously I keep my use of it on the down low in public because people would probably be like, oh look at that girl and that weird rubix cube looking shit she’s got going on, but it’s so helpful so far. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone else in a similar predicament, or maybe as a stress reliever.
Tonight I’m heading into the city with my little (big) brother and we’re going to see Portugal. The Man, which I’m super looking forward to and again should keep up the momentum of the excellent past 24 hours that I’ve had. I’m one happy lady.